Divorce 101: Getting Divorced in the Virgin Islands Part 4: Divorce and Children
Welcome back to our Divorce 101 Blog Series! This is Part 4 in which we will discuss the do’s and don'ts of divorce when children are involved. If you haven’t already, please check out Part 1: Eligibility and Requirements, Part 2: Filing for Divorce, and Part 3: Mediation.
Getting divorced is an incredibly difficult time for you and your spouse. When children are involved, things can become even trickier to navigate. In this blog post, we will discuss frequently asked questions and address the “do’s” and “don'ts” of divorce and children.
As a parent, the first thing on your mind is, and will likely always be, your children. Divorce as it relates to your children can bring up a lot of negative feelings such as guilt and worries for the future. There are many variables and each divorce poses its own unique set of circumstances that may complicate matters. The most obvious and arguably the most daunting task will be breaking the news to your children.
When preparing to take this first step, keep in mind our 5 T’s: tone, timing, truth, teamwork, and thoughtfulness.
Tone: Although this news is not particularly “kid-friendly” do your best to make it digestible for your children through your tone and age-appropriate delivery. Be age-aware and avoid using concepts or words that will leave their imaginations running wild. Keep it simple and do your best to be empathetic, compassionate, and patient. Just like you, your kiddos will be experiencing a flurry of emotions. Let them know through your delivery and approach that they are safe.
Teamwork: You and your spouse may not be on good terms however, if you can tackle this together and show your children that you intend to get through this difficult time as a family (because that’s exactly what you are and will continue to be) they are more likely to feel safe. Do NOT play the blame game or show animosity.
Timing: Timing is everything. Don’t wait too long but don’t jump the gun. If you know that it’s time and you will be proceeding with the divorce, plan a time to speak to your children (together if possible). Your children know you well and they are smarter than we will ever know. They will eventually pick up on what’s going on. Not hearing the news directly from you and your spouse can lead to issues of distrust and not feeling respected.
Truth: Be as honest as you can without causing harm. Your children are entitled to know the details of why you are getting divorced in an age-appropriate manner.
Thoughtfulness: Make the conversation flow easier by preparing what you will say beforehand. Practice on your own or with your spouse. Encourage your children to ask questions and be patient with their responses whether emotional or verbal.
When you’re considering what to say, keep it simple. Address what’s happening, why it’s happening, the changes that will be made, and most importantly, remind them of how much you love and care for them. Let them know that is something that will never change. Amazon has many books on how to tell children about divorce as well as books to read to or with your children that address concerns they may have. We suggest you continue to talk to your children. Divorce is highly emotionally disruptive and they will have questions that they may repeat over time.
During this difficult time, it is imperative that you and your spouse behave in a manner that provides your children with stability. The following are common mistakes that parents make during divorce that lead to immediate and long-term damage to their children:
Mistake #1 Putting the Child in the Middle
Do not use your children to relay messages or to get information to or from your spouse. You are the adult. If you have a question for your spouse, ask them directly. If you need to change plans, call or text them. Do not put your child in a position of having to lie to you or disobey the other parent. This will lead to a lack of trust and an endless list of other issues. Operate with integrity and model healthy behaviors. If this is something that you’re having a hard time with, click here to read our blog post on finding a therapist during this time!
Mistake #2 Ignoring Warning Signs
Just like you, your child is going to experience a variety of emotions and it will be difficult. They might feel anxious, fearful, confused, or sad. They may be grieving the family unit. Honor what they are feeling and pay attention to them. Any changes in sleep, diet, social behaviors, communication, or difficulties in school can indicate that they might need some help. Don’t hesitate to reach out to their doctor or seek help from a licensed family therapist. Let their teachers know. Creating a support network for your children sooner than later will benefit everyone. It’s easy to say, “Everything is going to be okay!” The reality is that they might not be okay. Children are resilient but divorce can breed some serious issues if they go unaddressed. Don’t ignore the warning signs because you think they might pass or resolve on their own. Pay attention and take action.
Mistake #3 Oversharing/Not Sharing Enough
Yes, I know. This is a fine line that you will walk and it will all depend on what’s age appropriate and right for your family. Tell them the reason why you’re getting divorced and allow for questions. Children do not understand infidelity so keep the conversation general enough to be honest. Do NOT give them too much information. Tell them only what they need to know and avoid anything that they will not understand or will upset them.
Mistake #4 Venting to the Child
Communication is key but venting to your children about their other parent is not okay under any circumstance. If you need someone to talk to, reach out to a friend or someone you trust outside of your parenting time or when your children are not around. Never put your children in a position where they feel responsible for your emotional well-being. You are their responsibility, not the other way around. Venting about their other parent can also breed resentment towards YOU and is guaranteed to backfire.
Mistake #5 Disparaging your Spouse
Similar to the previous “don’t”, if you are feeling hurt, resentful, or angry, get in touch with someone in your support network. Make time for yourself to vent when your children aren’t around. Don’t discuss your issues with your children or others that might relay information to them. THIS INCLUDES SOCIAL MEDIA. Your children and their friends can and will see what you post on social media whether it’s on their own or through someone they know. Sidenote: people often forget that the things that they say or post publicly and privately can be used against them in divorce proceedings. Make it your goal to get through this with clean hands, mind, and heart. Click here to read our blog post on finding a therapist during this time!
Mistake #6 Not Prioritizing Quality Time
Your child will rightfully go through a variety of emotions and might even internalize what’s happening around them. Make time to be present with your child and prioritize them. Make a list of their favorite things and be intentional about scheduling time to spend just you and them. Go to the park, take them shopping, read a book together, go to the beach during your parenting time, or learn how to play their favorite video game. Quality time is a great way to show that you love, support, and are there for them.
Mistake #7 Interrupting Parenting Time
Your child needs both of you now more than ever. Don’t get in the way of your child’s quality time with the other parent. It’s unfortunately all too common that parents interfere with the other parent’s time by canceling plans, not sticking to the schedule, and disrupting the other parent’s time by excessively texting or calling. Don’t be that person. Stick to your parenting time arrangement and allow the other parent to enjoy their time as well.
Mistake #8 Inconsistency
Consistency and stability are key. Your children may be spending their time between two homes. Try to maintain daily routines and keep things as “normal” as possible. Maintain house rules, keep behaviors in check, and keep up with discipline. Don’t give into the temptation of over-spoiling your children during divorce by not enforcing rules as this will lead you down a slippery slope that is difficult to course correct. Maintaining consistency through a time of change will take effort but this is arguably the most important step in creating a new environment in which your child can thrive even during a difficult time. Moreover, children feel safer when they know what to expect next.
Mistake #9 Limiting Conversation
Listen to your child and allow them to ask questions. A common mistake parents make is saying things like “You’re too little to understand.” or “I’m not answering that.” These are surefire ways to make your child feel even more sad, frustrated, or insecure. Use words that they understand and in turn, this will help them in expressing themselves now and in the future. Let them know that whatever they have to say is okay. It’s important that they express themselves. Keep the conversations flowing by encouraging them to talk and being patient. Your conversations might not be pretty. Your child might be upset and take out their frustrations on you. Remember that they are processing difficult emotions and prove to them that even when they are upset, you are there for them and you love them through reassurance and open conversation.
Mistake #10 Neglecting Self-Care
Last but certainly not least, model self-care for your children. Parents are often a child’s most influential teacher and role model whether they realize it or not. No matter how hard you try, you will be a version of your parents in one way or another. Take care of yourself and treat yourself with grace, compassion, and patience. Don’t engage in negative self-talk. If you’re feeling frustrated or on the brink of a breakdown, let them know! Ask for help when you need it and take your time. Show your child that you can do hard things and you can do them well.
